


‘cause i feel like i’m the worst (so i always act like i’m the best)

by thereisnowarinbasingse



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Not sure how to tag this really, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Sibling dynamic, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, like blink and you'll miss it, sadly that always applies with zuko, tiny bit of maiko? like its not important at all to this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26667532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnowarinbasingse/pseuds/thereisnowarinbasingse
Summary: a look into azula+zuko's sibling dynamictitle from oh no!, by marina.
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	‘cause i feel like i’m the worst (so i always act like i’m the best)

i.  
“I’m sorry it has to end this way, brother.”  
“No, you’re not.”  
ii.  
It’s swelteringly hot, even by Fire Nation standards, the day that Azula is born.   
Zuko can’t remember much of his early years, but he remembers Azula’s birth clearly. It had been around midday, the sun ablaze in the sky, when he had been called to wait outside his parents’ chamber. He’d had no idea what had been going on for the past hour, ever since Mother had started yapping on about her “water breaking.” How that was supposed to work, Zuko had no idea- she hadn’t even been holding any water!   
Honestly, Mother really was odd sometimes.  
Eventually, someone had bothered to tell Zuko that it was because his new brother was coming. Or sister, he supposed, but if brothers were anything like Cousin Lu Ten was to him, he’d rather have one of those, thank you very much. And so now he was stuck here, practically melting into a Zuko- flavoured puddle, waiting for what felt like years for the stupid baby to hurry up and arrive.  
Mother would probably scold him for calling the baby stupid, but hey, it was the truth!  
After what felt like years, Zuko was ushered into the chamber where his Mother lay, looking rather pale and sweaty- though inexplicably happy, cushioned by multiple plush pillows. And, in her arms, swathed in white sheets, a small bundle- Zuko’s new brother!  
Or sister.   
Zuko could hardly contain his excitement thinking about all the new adventures he could get up to with this new little person. They could play hide and explode together, and maybe even-   
“Let me see the child.”  
Zuko watches as Mother’s face drops from the huge smile that had been painted across her features just moments previously to something just short of a frown, as Father, who has just entered the room, demands to see the baby.   
“Girl or boy?” Father asks.  
“Girl.” Mother’s face is void of almost any expression now, and Zuko forgets to be annoyed that it’s a sister he has now for wondering why Mother looks so deadpan- he doesn’t dare ask in front of Father though- he knows Father doesn’t like it when he asks questions.  
Suddenly, Father’s face breaks out into a smile. Not nearly as pure and blinding as Mother’s had been, but a smile nonetheless.   
“She has been born at a very auspicious time for firebenders. We shall name her Azula, for my father, Fire Lord Azulon.”  
Almost immediately after this declaration, Father leaves, leaving Mother and Zuko alone in the room, save for the servants. Mother stares at the door which Father had just left through, shakes her head as if to clear her thoughts, and turns to Zuko- her features sweet and gentle like they had been before Father arrived.   
“Would you like to hold her, turtleduck?” she asks.  
Zuko says yes, and though he can’t quite see the appeal of something that doesn’t really look like a baby and more like a prune instead, he can’t help but feel a rush of warmth flood into his chest as he peers into bright, golden eyes.   
“Welcome to the world, Azula.”  
iii.  
“Zuzu!” Zuko glances upwards in annoyance after hearing his sister’s call with the nickname he decidedly did not choose and would never admit that he was actually quite fond of.  
“What?” Zuko huffs, as he watches Azula smile sweetly up at him. Classic Azula- half the time, she had nothing to say, and asked for attention for no reason other than to annoy him.   
“Well?” he asks, “spit it out.”  
“I was looking for you everywhere! Of course, you would be here- silly me!” Azula says. Zuko scowls in response. He had been spending more and more time outside at the turtleduck pond, as Father grew increasingly more irritated with Zuko as he continued to not be able to bend. Yet, Zuko reminds himself- he wasn’t going to let the family down like that! Anyway, he had asked Lu Ten if there was something wrong with him for not being able to bend yet, and Lu Ten that it was fine, and most kids didn’t bend until they were 7, let alone 5 years old.   
Azula seems to realise that she had said something to upset Zuko, and pouts.   
“I didn’t mean it like that, dum- dum. Get up, I have something to show you!” Azula smiles with pride as Zuko hauls his body upright, rights himself, and smiles expectantly down at the three-year-old, who was surprisingly articulate for her age. Or perhaps not so surprisingly, as it was Azula, and she already seemed to be good at everything.  
“Look! Look, Zuzu, look what I can do!” Zuko looks into Azula’s palms, where she cradles a small but steady flame.   
Azula can firebend.  
Zuko tries hard not be bitter, he really does. But it’s just not fair how everything seems to come easily for Azula. He could barely string together a proper sentence at her age, and here she is, able to firebend. Zuko opens his mouth, his words ready to sear Azula’s already healthy ego, until he sees her face.   
Azula is smiling. Her smile is naturally quite sinister, and she appears to be smirking half the time, but here she is, grinning ear to ear. Zuko can’t bring himself to say anything, and his feelings of insecurity evaporate as he feels pride flooding into his heart. Azula can firebend. Azula is three years old, and she can firebend.  
“Awesome!” he cries instead.   
iv.  
Zuko cannot believe that he’s being forced to do this.  
They’re Azula’s friends, so Zuko doesn’t really see why he needs to meet them. Apparently. Mother says it’ll be rude if he doesn’t at least introduce himself, which is stupid in itself- he’s a Fire Nation prince. They already know who he is!  
Anyway, the only reason why they’re here is because Azula somehow managed to convince Father and Mother that it would be beneficial for her. Zuko isn’t quite sure how she did it; the last time he attempted to convince Father to let him practice with his swords more often he’d left with a burnt wrist and some even more painful words.  
“A true bender wouldn’t have to rely on swords as combat,” the words echo in his head. “But you aren’t a true bender, are you Zuko?”  
Zuko drags his legs down to the courtyard, where Azula and her friends are supposed to be. Upon arrival, he sees the girls near the turtleduck pond. He should probably avert that crisis, before Azula chucks a hunk of bread at the turtleducklings like she did last week.   
Azula hear his footsteps on the stone and turns around.   
“Zuko! What a surprise!” she cries. Zuko glares back in irritation- she knows he doesn’t want to be here, even if he never explicitly told her. The siblings can read each other like books- it comes in handy when they’re forced into their best clothes and presented at the stuffy gatherings of nobles held at the palace, especially when Zuko finds himself in a sticky situation that he needs to get out of before Father scolds him. Azula’s usually able to rescue him. Azula’s great at lying.  
“Girls, meet Prince Zuko, my brother. Zuko, meet Mai and Ty Lee.” Suddenly, the girl dressed in bright pink cartwheels over to him and grins in his face.  
“Hiya! I’m Ty Lee! It’s really nice to meet you!” she starts, gabbling away. “Azula’s already told me about you! I think that your aura is very red, but like a nice type of red, like warm and cozy, not like the school uniform, ‘cos that red’s ugly.” Zuko has no idea what she’s saying, but he smiles and nods nonetheless, just to be polite. Ty Lee seems spurred on by his seemingly positive reaction, and opens her mouth to say more, but is silenced by a glare directed her way by Azula.  
“Sorry, Princess,” Ty Lee says in response.  
Zuko turns and focuses his attention on the other girl- Mai- who hasn’t spoken yet. She’s tall, a tiny bit taller than him even, and dressed like most other young nobles in reds and blacks. Her hair is jet black, and very shiny, and done up with scarlet ribbons into two buns.  
Zuko thinks she’s pretty.   
“Hello, Prince Zuko,” she says, deadpan, and then bows. Its almost as if she’s rehearsed this. “My name is Mai, daughter of Ukano and Michi.” Zuko’s heard those names before, in one of those stuffy gatherings of nobles. How Zuko hadn’t seen their daughter before though, was a mystery.   
“You, errr, don’t have to call me Prince Zuko. Just Zuko is fine.” He replies. Mai sends a confused look his way, and Azula rolls her eyes.   
“When you two are quite done gazing into each other’s eyes or whatever, Ty Lee and I will be over here.”  
Zuko huffs, as Azula and Ty Lee snicker. Trust Azula to embarrass him whatever chance she gets.  
v.  
“Again.” Father orders.  
Zuko obliges and goes through the firebending exercise for the twentieth time. His bending has gotten better, and is no longer the measly spurts of flame that it used to be- but Zuko isn’t nearly as good as Azula yet, though he is two years older than her. Zuko needs to be a match for Azula at least, even if his fire will never be blue like hers is already.   
So Zuko goes again. And again. And again, and again, and again.  
Eventually, Father allows him to stop and calls for Zuko to stand before him.  
“Pathetic.” Father sneers in distaste, “But that shouldn’t be surprising to you, should it, Prince Zuko?” Father uses the title as a mockery, and Zuko can’t help but feel small and unsafe. But that isn’t really new to Zuko either- he hasn’t felt safe since Mother disappeared.   
“Come here, boy.” Father calls to Zuko. Zuko walks closer to throne, and Father descends from behind the flames. He captures Zuko’s wrists in his iron grip, and Zuko can feel his father’s hands steadily going from uncomfortably warm to burning hot, until Zuko is squirming in his grasp, willing himself not to cry.  
“Remember, Zuko. Azula was born lucky. You were lucky to be born.”  
With that, Zuko is sent to his room, where he is to stay until firebending practice with Father tomorrow. Zuko is hoping he doesn’t run into anyone, partly so he doesn’t have to explain the armful of burns he’s manage to accumulate in the past three hours, and partly because he just wants to get to his room before he cries or does something even more embarrassing.   
“Hello, Zuzu.”  
Evidently, the universe sees fit to punish him even more.  
“Don’t call me that!” Zuko’s attempt to rush away is quickly thwarted by Azula, who apparently was waiting for Zuko to get out of practice.   
“Aw, poor Zuzu is upset! Anyway, I just wanted to know- did you make any progress yet? Maybe a bit of smoke? Or even a bit of fire? I’m impressed, Zuzu- finally a bit of flame at the grand old age of 11!”  
“Shut up.” Zuko hisses. Azula smirks- she knows she’s hit a nerve, and carries on.  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t even manage that? Honestly, Zuko, you’re pathetic.”  
Pathetic. The word seems to be the only thing anyone has to describe him recently.  
“Shut up!” Zuko shouts, and shoves Azula out of his path. She stumbles, and fixes him with a glare, before noticing the burns snaking up his arms.   
“He burned you, didn’t he? I’m sorry, I guess. But you probably deserved it.”  
vi.  
Its been two years. Two years since Zuko lost everything he had to his name- his family, his crown and most importantly, his honour.   
Today, Zuko feels nostalgic.   
Uncle managed to haggle for some mochi today, as a special treat for music night. Haggling, Zuko thinks. They’re royalty- those peasants should have been bowing down at his and Uncle’s feet, not haggling with them about something as simple as mochi.  
Zuko loves mochi. He loves the chewy texture, and how smooth it is, the red bean sweet in his mouth. He refused to eat it today, because he doesn’t have time to waste on trivial things like the delights of mochi. He needs to capture the Avatar.   
Also because he doesn’t deserve it, no matter what Uncle says.   
Zuko misses home. An unreasonable amount. Father would probably sneer at his homesickness, adding to his never-ending list of Zuko’s weaknesses. Nothing seems to be good enough for Father. He misses the warmth, because it always seems to be cold on this bloody ship. He misses the turtleducks, But, perhaps more surprisingly, Zuko misses Azula.  
He knows he probably shouldn’t. Azula was mean to him, and he’s come to realise that. Azula had laughed when Father burned his face.  
But Azula’s cruelty doesn’t stop him from missing her.   
Azula loves mochi. Probably even more than Zuko does, if that’s possible. Azula used to sneak down to the kitchens after firebending practice, steal packages of mochi from the pantry and run back up to Zuko’s room where they sat and feasted on the sweet treat.  
“Open up, dum-dum,” she used to whisper through the crack between the door and the floor.   
Eventually, the cook found out. He wasn’t allowed to say anything to Father or Mother, because Azula had threatened him, but Zuko highly doubted that she would have really gone through with it.  
Would she have?  
The truth is, Zuko isn’t sure if he knows Azula anymore. He hasn’t seen her in two years now, and she’s bound have grown, both mentally and physically. Who knows what she would to get her way now- she was already ruthless, and years with only Father for company must have done something to worsen that particular quality.  
But, in the end, Zuko supposes that its his fault that Azula has no one apart from Mai, Ty Lee and Father. In the end, it was Zuko that had left. However willingly or not.  
vii.  
Azula is here. Of all places, Azula is here, in this dark, dingy room of a dark, dingy Earth Kingdom inn.  
“Father regrets your banishment. He wants you home.”  
Azula continues speaking, but Zuko can barely hear her over the pounding of his own heart. Father wants him home.   
Father really does want him home. FatherwantshimhomeFatherwantshimhomeFatherwantshimhomeFath-  
“I still haven’t heard my thank you. I’m not a messenger. I didn’t have to come all this way.”  
In that brief second after Azula’s interruption of Zuko’s mental tirade, Zuko takes a second to study his sister. He hasn’t seen her in three years.  
Azula is…… different, to say the least. She’s grown- a lot- during his banishment. She’s taller, and, from what Zuko can see of it, her hair has grown much too. But there’s a gleam in her eyes, a manic, unhinged side to her, bubbling beneath the surface, that has never been as pronounced as it now.   
The siblings exchange a few more words before Azula leaves, promising to call on them tomorrow when Zuko has had enough time to process the good news. Zuko thinks backs to just before his banishment- he could’ve sworn that he saw an eerily familiar shape of a faded burn scar on Azula’s wrist just now when she pushed her hair away from her face that hadn’t been there before. Zuko is slightly concerned- their father wasn’t known to hurt Azula in the same way that he had Zuko- what had she done to deserve that? He tells himself that he’ll look more closely tomorrow when they meet again- there’s a chance that he saw wrong. Zuko’s eyesight isn’t what it used to be. For obvious reasons.  
As it turns out, Zuko doesn’t really have another chance to verify the cause of the burn when they meet again. Because, you know, Father really didn’t want him back at all. Thought he was an even bigger embarrassment than before, apparently. Zuko pretends it doesn’t sting.  
While he sends a powerful fire blast using his foot towards his sister, Zuko mentally reprimands himself. He should have known. After all, Azula always lies.  
viii.   
Why would she do it, Zuko asks himself as he walks away from the throne room.   
Why would Azula pass up the opportunity of earning the ultimate accolade, the one to kill the Avatar?  
It doesn’t make sense to Zuko. He knows Azula. She doesn’t do anything for someone else if there is nothing in it for her. And yet, there isn’t an explanation for it.   
Zuko knows that Father is pleased- proud of him, even. It’s a foreign feeling for Zuko, who is used to his Father’s taunts and burns. But for some strange reason, Zuko doesn’t like it back home.  
Its odd, Zuko thinks, that he hates it here. Ungrateful, even. It’s just that home is so much more different than he remembers. He misses the tea shop, the warmth of Uncle’s tea and the constant ebb and flow of customers entering the shop. Some days he even feels as if he misses the dull rocking of the ship, something that had frankly made him sick during the first few months of his banishment. There aren’t any turtleducklings in the pond anymore and what had been left of Mother’s small garden when Zuko had left is now even less than that- even the idea that the place used to be flooded with firelilies during the summertime was laughable if you looked at the dry, grassy patch. And for once in his entire life, Zuko has his father’s approval- but he’s unhappier than ever.  
Is this supposed to be normal?  
ix.  
Zuko can’t stop thinking about it.  
Azula’s words replay in his head, again and again.  
“You mean it isn’t obvious yet? I’m about to celebrate becoming an only child!” his sister shrieks, a hysterical smile on her face as the wind whips in her hair.  
His sister. His baby sister, who wishes him dead.  
Zuko stays stoic all throughout the ride away on Appa. He can feel Katara sending him dirty looks, while the rest of the group look at him in concern. But nonetheless, Zuko stays silent.   
Its only until they’ve gotten as far away as they can from the Western Air Temple that they land on a deserted beach. Everyone keeps quiet, obviously still shaken from their encounter with Azula.  
Azula, his sister.   
While everyone is distracted setting up camp for the night, Zuko sneaks off. He shouldn’t feel like this. He should feel indifferent towards having to fight his sister- she’s evil. She’s fighting for the wrong side.   
Because she doesn’t know how to do anything else, his conscious tells him.   
Memories play on loop in his head. Azula as a baby, swathed in white sheets. Azula’s laugh. Azula with a small flame cupped in her hands, happiness painted all over her face. Azula smuggling mochi for him from the kitchens. Azula watching him practice with his dual swords, silently impressed.  
Azula’s taunts. Her glares. Her smirks. Her lies.  
It is then that Zuko breaks. Under the dappled moonlight, Zuko breaks down into tears. He can’t help but feel that it’s all his fault.  
x.   
“I’m sorry it has to end this way, brother.”  
“No, you’re not.” It’s true, Zuko supposes, that Azula isn’t really sorry at all. But Zuko definitely is.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! i was listening to oh no the other day- one of my all-time favourite songs ever HVAJCGOSH- and i couldn't help but notice how well it works with azula and zuko's characters. i haven't written anything for fun in years, which makes me sound like an old lady when i'm really just a teen with a lot on her hands, so please be mindful of that! all mistakes, if any, are mine because i've just been writing this after school and haven't edited in detail. anyway, if you liked this fic, please leave a kudos and a comment and even if you decide not to thank you so much for reading- i really appreciate it!


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